Bitter Hope
by Lur27
Summary: Post Ep to 8x02. My vision of what would happen after Kate leaves the loft.


**A/N:** I wrote this at work today after watching last night's episode of Castle. I am not happy with that ending, and it hurt like hell, but I am open to what's yet to come, and excited to know how they are going to deal with it. So please, if you want to read, be aware that this is not a fix it fic. It's my own view of how I would deal with this situation. Feel free to comment and review, but do it with respect and positivity, thank you.

To Hope, who won't read this, but always cheers me on.

Please, bare with my typos and whatever mistakes you might find. I had no beta for this. Enjoy!

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 **Bitter Hope**

It had been around a week since she left the loft. His daily phone calls and text messages asking her to go back had subsided by then at her lack of response. She knew she was being unfair. She was aware that she had broken his heart once again, willingly, this time. She knew exactly what she was doing staying away from him, but a broken heart could heal. A broken heart left room for a future together. Death didn't. And if keeping him alive meant that she had to hurt him, then she would.

After a few days trying to ignore his calls and having to face him once at the loft when she dropped by to grab some more of her stuff, it surprised her to realize that she hadn't heard from him in a couple of days.

And then it started.

She walked into her office one morning to find a steaming cup of coffee waiting for her on her desk, along with a note, neatly tucked underneath the travel mug. It said: _Please, come back home_.

From that day on, every morning, she found her coffee and a new note waiting for her. The messages were always short and made her heart break, every single time.

 _I miss you._

 _Everything still smells like you._

 _I never thought a queen size bed could be so big._

 _I still expect to see you walk into the loft every night._

 _Last night I made dinner for two again._

And the one that made her resolve crumble and had her reaching for her phone, only to put it down again a second later.

 _Do you even love me anymore?_

It stung reading those words. She tried to make a point before she left. She tried to make him understand that she loved him with all her heart, but how could she blame him for doubting her? All her signals were mixed.

Her mind was taken away from her crumbling personal life when they caught a tough case that had the whole homicide squad on their toes for days. It wasn't a surprise, though, when she found out through the boys, that her husband had found his way into their investigation, which gave her no other choice than having to face him.

She went in earlier the next morning, hoping to find him there before he left her daily coffee. Apparently she wasn't the only one wanting to talk. When she opened the door to her office, she found Castle sitting on her couch sipping out of his own travel mug.

"Morning, Captain." He greeted, trying to sound all business and failing when their eyes met and his watered. "You're in early. Expecting someone?"

Kate sighed and placed her messenger bag at the foot of her desk, taking those few seconds to put her thoughts together.

"Castle… What are you doing here?" She asked exhausted. It was first thing in the morning, but given her sleep pattern, which was null at the moment, she felt as tired as if she had been running top speed during the last 7 hours.

The writer took a long sip of coffee and got up from the couch, stepping closer to where she was standing behind her desk.

"Just dropping by. I still like to take care of my wife, even if she doesn't want me to." He spat, turning away when he saw her wince at his words. "I am impressed you still keep that picture."

His gaze was focused on a black and white candid taken by his daughter on their wedding day. They were both cuddled up against the railing, looking into the horizon with matching smiles. The lights of the sunset melded with the white of her outfit and it gave the image an ethereal feeling that she loved.

She had fallen in love with that picture the moment she saw it, and it still kept the exact same meaning for her, despite the circumstances. Them, together, looking ahead at their future.

She still wanted that with all her heart. She was fighting for it.

She took a deep breath and placed her palms on the table, leaning forward with her eyes stuck to the picture. "Why wouldn't I keep it?" She asked softly. "I love that picture."

Rick chuckled mirthlessly, before taking the frame in his hand to brandish it like some kind of weapon as he showed it to her outraged. "That's funny, since you're the one who broke all that it represents."

"Castle…"

"No, Kate." He blurted, putting the frame back on the table. "I am not here for this. I just… I assume Ryan and Esposito have told you that I am involved on the case they're investigating. I just wanted to make sure that my agency collaborating with this precinct won't be an inconvenience to you."

"I… No. It's… I appreciate your insight. You know that." She offered softly. "Just be careful, ok? You have no back up without me out there."

"You took good care of that."

By the look on his face once his words were out, she could tell he didn't intend to say them out loud. But he did, and they hurt.

"You do realize that I am doing this to protect you, right? That this is not easy for me either." She started, feeling her heart rate peak up. "I can't let anything happen to you, Rick. I love you more than anything in this world and if I need to walk away from you to keep you safe, then that's what I will do."

He huffed, his face scrunching when he looked down at her and noticed the tears threatening to fall.

"How come that when it comes to decide what's good for me or for our marriage, what I think, or what I feel doesn't matter?" He growled his frustration growing by the second. "It's always on your terms, Kate. The when, the how, the why… It's all you, and I can't stand it anymore. I want to have a saying too. I want to be able to decide what happens, just for once."

"Castle, this is not some lovers' spat. This is not about who's right or wrong. This is about our future." She almost but yelled. He had to understand that for them to have a future, they had to sacrifice their present.

"I know this is not fair, believe me. I hate this situation as much as you do, but I don't want our story to end with me tossing dirt into your grave. I made a promise time ago, and I intend to keep it".

He laughed. "A promise? You made vows, Kate! And you had no problem breaking those."

She sighed again and stepped closer to him, trying to find a way to reach him, even if it was just physically, but her teeth clenched when he took a step away.

"I didn't break my vows." She whispered. "I'm still your partner, Rick. I'm still your wife. I just need to figure out some things, and that means putting you at risk, so I _have_ to walk away for a while to make sure you're safe in the meantime." She took a deep breath and continued, her eyes glued to his. "I am honoring my vows in the best way I can. This is the only way to preserve our future."

"If you want so badly to keep me safe, why don't you just walk away from whatever this is?"

"I can't!" She hissed.

"You don't want to." He fought back.

"Do you know me at all, Castle? Do you really think that I can walk away when innocent people have been dying cause I stuck my nose where I shouldn't?" She reasoned, her hands running through her hair, nervously. "Rick, you asked me to be honest with you, and that's what I am doing. If I had stayed and had tried to ignore this, I would have ended up regretting my decision and lying to you again. Can't you see that? I can't stop! I need to have this gone for good. I need to be able to live without this haunting me. Haunting us."

He sank back into the couch, keeping is eyes to the ground.

"That makes no sense, Kate."

"You think that I don't know that? She huffed, falling down beside him and reaching for his hand.

It was the first physical contact they'd had in about two weeks, and she couldn't hide the sigh of contentment that escaped her lips when she felt his skin against hers.

"This is absolutely crazy, I know. But you've always had blind faith in me, Rick. It is unfair, and you have every right to feel betrayed and to be mad at me, but if there is anything we both need right now, it's some of that faith. Please."

Her last word was whispered. She had deflated with each word she pronounced. She knew she had to stick to her decision. That it was their safest bet but, hell, it hurt. She wanted her husband and her life back.

In a moment of weakness, she let herself sag against his side, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Hate me if you must, Castle, but never, _ever,_ doubt that I love you."

Rick nodded slowly, his jaw still tight and his brows furrowed, but one tentative hand landed on top of hers and squeezed, easing a bit the tightness that had taken home around her heart since the moment she had walked away from him.

"I can't promise that I'll stay away, Kate. I need to protect you too."

"No, Castle. You can't!" She begged, taking his hand in hers. "Babe, I can't keep you safe if despite my efforts you put yourself in harm's way."

He took his hand away and ran it through his head, his breath coming out measured, as if just the act of breathing was a big effort for him.

"That is not fair, Beckett, and you know it."

"You know what wouldn't be fair?" She started, her voice growing with every word. "Having you killed because of my personal obsession and then having to tell your daughter that I couldn't keep my promise to her."

"Alexis? You made that promise to Alexis?" He asked incredulous and a bit touched.

Kate nodded subtlety and sighed. "When you came back after your disappearance." She explained. "We talked a lot while you were gone, you know? We became closer, and the day you came back, I promised her, Castle. I told her that I would never let anything happen to you."

"You can't make a promise like that."

"But I did, and I will keep it, even if it's the last thing I do."

Castle sighed again. "Then promise me something too." He commanded, his eyes searching hers. "Promise me that you will come back, no matter what. No matter how long this takes you. Promise you will come back to me, Kate."

She smiled, the tears gathering in her eyes starting to overflow, and she couldn't hold it back any longer, so she leaned closer and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"Always, Castle. Always."

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 **Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think.  
**


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